My MonSter

Fear is a dangerous thing. It can take you down roads better left untraveled. It can fill your mind with what ifs, and should’ve dones… so much so that you can’t focus on what’s in front of you today. I wish I could say I never feared my MonSter, but I’d be lying if I did.

I rarely discuss my MonSter. An occasional joke is made, sometimes by me…sometimes by others, but it certainly doesn’t fill my conversations. I’ve even been known to go a day without thinking about it. That doesn’t mean it’s not there…it just hasn’t reared its head to make me remember it. I try not to dwell on it. It wouldn’t do any good. I certainly can’t change anything about it…other than shooting up once a week and praying I’ll stay healthy. I am well aware that God is totally capable of removing it from my life…and He might. I’m also totally aware that God can use it for His glory and I hope He has and does. Wait…I think I want Him to use it for His glory…right? What if that means I’m in a wheelchair one day? What if that means I can’t use my hands one day to work or write…or hug my boys? Am I ready for that? My spiritual side says “Yes, of course I am. I can do all things…”. The carnal side of me says “I don’t want to go there.”

My MonSter is MS…Multiple Sclerosis. It reared its head today and forced me to think about it… about 5:30 this morning when I woke up with severe pain in my legs that kept me from sleeping. I got up and took a pain pill, which I hate to do at that time of the day because in just a few short hours I’m going to have to get up and function for the day. I also have to think about it once a week when I inject myself with God knows what, and wait for the headache and weakness to hit. And it does.

I know I’m blessed. I’m fortunate not to currently have many of the symptoms that go along with a chronic illness. To look at me, you wouldn’t know I had it. Other than the constant numbness in my feet and the killer fatigue that comes along with summer (and spring and fall since we’re in Texas), I’m really blessed. I know that, and I thank God for that. And most of the time I can dwell on that.

But sometimes it ticks me off… can I say that God? Like the times when I try to remember things and I can’t. Why is dishwasher and backpack so hard to say? Sure I can laugh it off…blame it on the MonSter and go on. But when I try to remember something I want to pass on to my kids, or tell my husband and I can’t find it…it hurts. That’s when I fear My MonSter the most.

I know…I know, one day at a time. I know in my heart God never gives us more than we can handle. I know I’m supposed to “take no thought for tomorrow.” I’m trying…but I’m not going to lie, it’s a constant struggle. When I consider all the brain space being taken up with the plaques that eat away at my memory and my nerve control…I struggle…and I fear…and I get mad.

And I know He understands. It’s those times when I feel His arms tighten up around me just a little more and I feel His love a little deeper. I love this excerpt from the book God's Blogs:

















It's okay... Daddy's in the room.