The Definition of You

You know sometimes when you say things to your children, and then after they go to bed and the house is real quiet, God tells you you made a big mistake? No? Well, it's not pretty, nor pleasant.

Yesterday and today were end of semester test days for both the punks. This school year has been hard for both of them...learning to adjust to Jr High and High School has not only been a social adjustment, but an academic adjustment too. They are both in harder classes, and honestly struggling to keep their head above water. They both have hours of homework most every day, and they have made good grades in spite of the difficulties.

Tonight we looked online at their test scores. Some were good, some not good. And to put it bluntly, I focused entirely on the "not good" and went in to my little rant about grades...again. Believe me, it's not a healthy rant. In my head, I intend to encourage to study more, try harder, do more. But when it's mixed with MY pride and MY expectations, it comes out like I'm telling them they're not good enough. And that's where He got me.

After the boys went to bed, I sat here at my desk trying to figure out ways to make it better...to fix it. And then He tapped me on the shoulder and with all the patience He has, gave me the most beautiful picture of grace. And it didn't look anything like me in that moment.

Knowing you need to make it right with your kids is hard. Saying I'm sorry is humbling. I went in to their bedrooms and knelt beside each of them and told them what amazing boys they are. That their grades do not define them. That I love them the same whether they make A's or F's. That the fact that they are mine is enough.

I thank God He does not count my worth as my ability to please people, or ability to do my job well. When He looks at me, I want Him to see someone trying to live a life that is pleasing to Him no matter how often I fail. And when I look at my boys, I don't want to cloud my view of their worth at how good they perform on manmade tests.

I want to see them as boys growing up to look like their Father who cares for others and not what others think.