The Definition of You

You know sometimes when you say things to your children, and then after they go to bed and the house is real quiet, God tells you you made a big mistake? No? Well, it's not pretty, nor pleasant.

Yesterday and today were end of semester test days for both the punks. This school year has been hard for both of them...learning to adjust to Jr High and High School has not only been a social adjustment, but an academic adjustment too. They are both in harder classes, and honestly struggling to keep their head above water. They both have hours of homework most every day, and they have made good grades in spite of the difficulties.

Tonight we looked online at their test scores. Some were good, some not good. And to put it bluntly, I focused entirely on the "not good" and went in to my little rant about grades...again. Believe me, it's not a healthy rant. In my head, I intend to encourage to study more, try harder, do more. But when it's mixed with MY pride and MY expectations, it comes out like I'm telling them they're not good enough. And that's where He got me.

After the boys went to bed, I sat here at my desk trying to figure out ways to make it better...to fix it. And then He tapped me on the shoulder and with all the patience He has, gave me the most beautiful picture of grace. And it didn't look anything like me in that moment.

Knowing you need to make it right with your kids is hard. Saying I'm sorry is humbling. I went in to their bedrooms and knelt beside each of them and told them what amazing boys they are. That their grades do not define them. That I love them the same whether they make A's or F's. That the fact that they are mine is enough.

I thank God He does not count my worth as my ability to please people, or ability to do my job well. When He looks at me, I want Him to see someone trying to live a life that is pleasing to Him no matter how often I fail. And when I look at my boys, I don't want to cloud my view of their worth at how good they perform on manmade tests.

I want to see them as boys growing up to look like their Father who cares for others and not what others think.

It Was Almost Audible

In 4 days my family gets on a plane to end up in the capitol city of Tegucigalpa, Honduras. This has been in the works for eleven years. We just didn’t know it.

In 2000, Steve and I went on a cruise to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. The last port of call was in Roatan, Honduras. It was a beautiful sunny day as the boat pulled up to the dock in the crystal blue waters. We had arranged to go snorkeling that day in a private resort area. God obviously had a hand in the bus ride to the resort because as it turned out, the bus was overcrowded so Steve and I had to sit in the front seat next to the driver…giving us a full, unobstructed view of the sheer poverty present along those narrow streets through the city. It took my breath away. I guess it was the first time I had seen anything like that. If I’ve seen it before, I don’t remember.

We arrive at the resort and without hesitation, I can say that day stands out in my memory as the best day Steve and I have ever shared as husband and wife, besides the births of both of our punks. The sun was intoxicating, the water beyond refreshing, and the sights…the beautiful beach and the myriads of fish we saw underwater…just can’t be explained with mere words. We were miles away from the poverty and despair of the other side of Roatan.

As we ended the day and boarded the boat to leave Roatan, both Steve and I stood on the side of the boat…looking out at the city…unable to speak. Both of us had just experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Immense beauty and immense poverty. We couldn’t talk. We were both experiencing burden.

It’s so easy to come back to real life and forget what you see. Fortunately, God didn’t let us forget it. From that day, God has put Honduras in our path/eyesight many, many times. In fact, it became so obvious and for lack of a better word, “freaky”, I started making a list of all the times we heard stories about Honduras, met people from Honduras, heard about Honduras on the news, and watch people shop for their vacation home on House Hunters International in Honduras. I know it sounds hokey…and believe me we got to laughing about it, but I can’t explain it any other way than God wanted us to remember Honduras.

Steve responded to accidents at work with cars bearing Honduras license plates, he was listening to The Ticket radio one day and Gordo was talking about a missions trip his dad took to Honduras, we were watching the local news at night and they gave the weather and temperature for Honduras…twice. I’ve pulled up a website I’ve never visited before and there was a banner ad for trips to Honduras. I was pulling the back off of a piece of furniture in the boy’s room one day to fix it, and of course it said “Made in Honduras.”

I stopped making note of them in 2009, but from 2000 to 2009 God had shown us Honduras 23 times. I don’t know if that means anything to you, but to us…every time we turned around we were getting writing on the wall. It would have been easy for us to dismiss one or two sightings, but 23? Impossible.

While we haven’t felt any clear direction of what God wants to do through us in Honduras, we have felt burdened. In 2006, we started sponsoring a little girl named Anny through Compassion International in Honduras. It has been amazing to see her grow and thrive in the Compassion program. It’s a small sacrifice for us, but a huge opportunity for her.

So when people ask Why Honduras? I just tell them we are doing what we can to be obedient to what we hear and see. Doing what we can to make a difference in the world and open our eyes to the needs of others. Doing what we can to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.

In 4 days, we will hug Anny.
In 4 days, we will get to see where she lives, meet her family, and see where she learns about Jesus.
In 4 days, we will travel with an organization called Bread for a Hungry World to feed and love people who live in the city dump. Yes, you read right.
In 4 days, we will get to visit a daycare where Bread is already at work.
In 4 days, we will get to pour concrete, or build chicken coups, or lay flooring.
In 4 days, we will put words to work.
In 4 days, we will put love in action.

Back At It?

Today is Memorial Day 2011. We had nothing "planned" on the calendar. It was nice. Slept in. Went to wake up Caleb and had this conversation:

Me: "Caleb, I'm going to pick up Cody. While I'm gone get up and get ready so we can go eat lunch with Daddy. Do you know where your phone is?"

Caleb: "When you shoot, you get a phone."

Me: "Whaaaat?"

Caleb: "You shoot the basketball and get a phone."

Me: "Okay, where are you?"

Caleb: "On the basketball court."

Me: "Okay, when you get finished playing, wake up and get a shower."

This was a funny exchange since Caleb was obviously talking in his sleep. That boy is the hardest sleeper I've ever known.

He is still covered in bruises from the paintball games last Saturday. He's a tough cookie.

I can't believe he is graduating from 6th grade this week...and we will be done with elementary school in our lives. If I think too long about it, I cry so I've tried not to think about it too much.

Slow down tough boy...slow down.