A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bathroom

This story will confirm 2 things: (1) I am a dork, and (b) Steve has the patience of Job.

Last Tuesday night was our last night in Mississippi where we had enjoyed pre-Christmas festivities with my sister and her family. During the night (actually about 3:45 Wednesday morning), I got up to go to the bathroom (an aggravating, irritating activity because either I am getting old, or because I have the bladder the size of a peanut). Anyway, as I get up out of bed I hear someone in the bathroom which I assume is my dad...because he also gets up a million times a night to use the bathroom (which is because he IS old...sorry I had to throw you under the bus like that dad) and as I open the door I see someone walking down the hall towards the living room in black sweat pants (the kind that make swishy noises when you walk), and what I believed to be a black jacket and shoes. I thought it was weird that my dad was dressed and walking away from his bedroom, but I was sleepy so I dismissed it...for about 2 seconds because that's when my brain starts up with all the scenarios. After I finished in the bathroom, I went into the living room and then the kitchen and didn't see anyone. Then I went to my mom and dad's room and...(play scary music here) both my mom and dad were IN BED! Okay now I'm kind of freaking out.

I go into our bedroom and wake Steve up (here's the part where his patience comes into play) and I tell him I think someone's in the house because I saw someone come out of the bathroom in black clothes, and because daddy is still in bed, and because I most certainly will not be able to go back to sleep until you get up and look around the house in your underwear. So he gets up (I think he kind of half believed me because usually when this scenario plays out in our own house, he rolls over and goes back to sleep. When we were first married he got up and got his gun about the first 6 times, but after that...no, he just rolls over and goes back to sleep).

He "clears the house" (that's cop lingo for looking behind every door and in every room in case you haven't watched COPS before) and he finds the back sliding glass door unlocked and the door leading from the sunroom to the living room unlocked (cue scary music again...I'm serious, my heart was beating a mile a minute). He tells me to wake up my brother-in-law and so I did telling him we thought someone had been in the house. He and Lisa get up and we (read I) began telling them the story and telling him the back doors were unlocked but evidently I SCARED THEM OFF because they left without taking anything.

That's when our discussion in the living room starts waking up our 5 children asleep in said living room. Ashley starts to rouse and ask what's going on and Steve told her I saw someone leaving the bathroom and we thought someone was in the house. That's when she says, I went to the bathroom a little bit ago and I didn't see anything. Then Steve asks her, "are you wearing black swishy pants?" (he is an investigator after all), and she pulls back the covers showing her sweat pants and says "yes." Omg...I totally thought Ashley was a robber and I woke up the whole house because of it.

After my apologies to everyone and telling them to go back to sleep because we have to get up in 2 HOURS to leave for home, we went back to bed. I thought Steve was going to reassure me that I did the right thing and everyone should be as good a citizen as me...but this is what he said to me before rolling over and going back to sleep..."you're killing me smalls."

Nice.